Confession

Why would one little mistake, turn everything upside down?

Just one look across me,
doesn't mean you could tell everything about my background, my feelings, everything I'm going through now.

You are not a mind reader, nor a fortune teller.

We are the same, living humans beings.

We too, have our darkest moments, lowest point, secrets and backgrounds we DON'T show.
We too, have our pride, our feelings, and sometimes, we need others' understanding too.

Just because I laugh, I do spastic moves, I'm a little more cheerful,
doesn't mean I never been through heartbreaks, never been through hardships,
doesn't mean I have been living like a pampered girl for my 16years of life.

There's something called, hide.

Why hide? Cause of something called, insecure.

And who knows? Maybe what I'm facing now maybe worse than the troubles you have.

I'm not saying, I'm so pitiful, trying to exaggerate whatever's going on.
If you're thinking that way, I'm speechless.


It was a friday,
the second or third day I went to the com lab.

And you know, cause of my un-serious attitude and very lazy image, teachers tend to look out for me more. It's a good thing, so I could always pay attention.

Who says it was bad at the start? Lol.

Teacher caught me surfing 'korean/jap' websites, and told me to get out.

I'm in the wrong, yes. But I went to nuffnang, and opened a site on the nuffnang with an Jap artiste's pictures. Is nuffnang considered a korean/jap website? Okay, I know. I surf k-pop websites the previous lessons in the com lab. I admit. I'm in the wrong.

But on friday, I was doing the related academic research on my computer the same time when I'm checking my nuffnang. And I was about to close the nuffnang website and concentrate on the related academic research. For this, I'm not lying.

Haha, who believes me? Who? My friends?
But, why not my parents?

Could you understand my feelings? I saw websites of facebook in front of my seat, and I believe some more were blog-hopping. But it's me, cause teacher was so irritated by me cause I surf korean websites for all her lessons.

I know I'm in the wrong.

I should have been more responsible, more serious and I should have respected my teacher.

My teacher gave me a reflection and I reflect on the paper, with my oh so fake true feelings. Teacher thought I'm playing around, writing things on the paper for the sake of writing it, but could she see my true heart? Could she see that I'm using my true feelings to reflect?

Lol. I don't blame her. Cause, no one sees.

So I thought everything is fine, and who knows, a big disaster is waiting for me.

I opened my house door, and realise Mum was passing me the very strict look.
Right, teacher called my father, and my father told my mum.
Teacher told my dad I wasn't doing what I supposed to be doing during lessons, and that I was surfing korean websites, and watching korean dramas.

Lol. I didn't even watch one second of whatever korean drama from all the com lab lessons.

My dad nearly had a heart attack when he received teacher's call.
My brother who was at work with my dad, told me that dad's heart was very painful and he was grasping for breath.

I cried.

Cause I'm so afraid, of losing my dad.

I called teacher, and I swear, I never cried so bitterly to someone who wasn't blood-related to me before, not even my closest friend. I cried loudly, asking her why did she do that, calling my dad before informing me.

She is my teacher, but the person she is calling, is MY dad.
Someone I value deeply, someone I hope no one could hurt.

Mum was so angry with me, she said she lost all her trust in me. I disappointed her, again and again. I yelled my lungs out, when I saw her taking out my Tohoshinki's CD, trying to break it.

She said,
if anything happens to dad, it's my fault.

She's right, if anything really happens, I seriously don't know how to spend my life with guilt and how regretful I was.

I called dad, but he didn't even scold me one word.

From young, he's always like this, giving me the best he could, trying to be the best father for me.

The last time I saw he teared was during grandpa's funeral,
he never breaks down in front of me and my brothers.

This time, he teared, when I called him.

I was so shocked on the line, I couldn't believe I heard his tears.

I can't imagine how heartbroken and disappointed he was in me at that moment.

Dad immediately said bye, and when he comes home,
the first thing he said to me was,

'study hard', in his very gentle tone.

And I promise,
just because of the tears my parents shed, and all the worries and all the hope they are having,
I will study hard, and make the best out of it.

I'm not a self-centered idiot. I know why my teacher did that, it's because she cares.
Thankyou. I don't blame her for doing that, cause I know if she knows what nearly happened, she won't do it.

Thanks.

I thought everything was over, at last.

But I was so wrong.

Saturday night, 930, just when Boys Before Flowers started, I walked out of my room and my brother said ' How puntual' to me. I know he's trying to be sarcastic, but I swallow it down, to avoid more trouble.

Early in the day, he was talking about news on North Korea with his gf, and because I'm concern, I asked what happened and I said something which makes him think that I'm being so concern was because of South Korea.

Lol.

So when I was sitting beside him, watching BBF, he told me indirectly that shows like this are like fantasy to us. But what I need, was just a break from a whole afternoon of integration.

So lastly, he told me truthfully, that he thinks I'm obssess and crazy over south korea, telling me how much I'm irritating people around me. I didn't tell him much about my dreams of going to south korea, only telling him that Tohoshinki's songs are good, and how cute Tohoshinki is.

Maybe there's a side which I didn't see, cause I know my bro said those, cause he cares and he's doing it for my own good.

But the comments were hurtful. Very. I let it go, and continue watching the tv.

My mum came back home, and scolded me badly cause I was watching a Korean drama.

What's wrong with it?
Is it wrong to like korea's cultures? Is it wrong to watch korean dramas? Is it wrong wanting to go korea? Is it wrong to liking a band from korea?

I could no longer take it anymore, with all whatever which happened the previous day,

I exploded.

And I know, for all of my life, I never see myself so agitated before.

I was screaming, all my feelings and how horrible I was feeling all the while, I yelled, I cried bitterly, till an extend I was panting for breath.

I don't want to continue whatever that happened.

It's painful, to even think of it.

I'm only a 16 year old human being, I need freedom, or rather, I'm not someone who could live under control. I need a lot of understanding, cause I seldom show what's inside me.

I'm growing inside, mentally, trying to figure out how to be a better person everyday, trying to put myself in people's shoes, I make mistakes, but I'm willing to change.

It sounds stupid, wanting to go where where where to pursue my passion, but that's what I want to do. Although I won't change my directions, but still I hope they will be the people who will support me all the way.

All the conflicts which occured two days straight, I know they are thinking that I'm such a immature and someone who isn't sensible.

But in my heart, the 4 of you, my family, is the most previous things to me, no matter what happened, how much hurt and pain caused by each other, I won't bear grudges, but I will remember all things you all did for me, cause we're a family.

It's hurtful, to hear what's me in your hearts, it hurts so much. But I'm not angry, that's why I'm screaming at you all, no. It's because, I'm tired. Tired from expectations, judgemental people, negative comments, all of it.

I have my feelings too, I have my own limits too.

But I'm not a selfish person, who will only think of my own feelings too. I know, all the hardships and concern you all did for me. I know the reason behind all the restrictions, it's because you all care for me, and that you all love me.

I'm glad I have a family like this.

And I cherish.

Whatever I have, I know I'm a very lucky girl.

I hope my brother would just randomly click on my blog and read these,
cause I'm sorry, for my breakdown of emotions, I really don't mean to hurt anyone of you.

But sometimes, I just hope for more support, more understanding from you all.
I'm not demanding, but just hoping oneday you all will accept who I really am.

Take a closer look towards me, is it so difficult?
Teacher, my dad, my mum, all those who judge me based on what I show everyday,
I'm not everything you thought to be.

It takes time, to really understand one person completely.
Please stoping judging me in that way, cause it makes one feels sad.

Whatever people tells me,
'prove to your parents that you could do it',
you guys are right about what you said,

but for me,
it's
'I'm proving it to people who looks down on me, but doing it for the sake of seeing a really happy smile on my parents' faces.'


Everything which happened, I won't bear grudges.
I really love my family, please don't give up on me.

I just need a smile from dad. Just that will be enough.