Realistic

I have so much to so much so much to type..

I burst out into tears on Micky's birthday cause I did something so dumb. I pressed the button FORMAT in my mp3, and all my songs disappearred. Just in that few seconds. All the moments me and chupei spend bluetoothing tohoshinki's songs with each other, I could still remember we were talking so excitedly then. And what sucks more was that I dont have any extra copy of the songs cause my main com is on medical leave now.

I was so upset when I looked at my empty mp3. First was losing all the 1900+ pictures and now is deleting the songs which I don't know how I manage to did it. Right, I could still download the songs back again, but there are things inside which is so hard to find which I think I won't be able to track them down anymore. :(

Don't ask me why I like them so much, cause my answers are never sensible to you.

But I guess it's alright now lol.

1 week of school+holiday, I'm glad I'm going though it now, cause I can go for breakfast every morning with Twiggy and that makes me really happy. Except she's sick today and I'm not used to it lol. 4 more months to go, O'levels, then I'm gonna say byebye to her, cause she's going to JC for sure T_T

And twiggy! You know my heart dropped when I went to allkpop and I saw the kissing scene of Jaejoong and HanHyoJoo. :(
BUT I CANT WAIT TO WATCH IT SIA HAHA

..

So yesterday's was volleyball gathering, and I guess it was nice to see everyone there again, well almost. Especially Bgirls'08, I miss them so much. But the weird thing is, I don't feel part of the team anymore, it's like I'm not a volleyballer anymore. It feels like.. I've lost a part of me. Really. Then we had a talk with coaches, I really miss those times so much. It just feels warm when coach rake up the past about our westzones, although we didn't have a happy ending but somehow it feels warm cause that stays a memory in our hearts. Many many years down the road, will they still remember me, Bgirls'09? I hate the fact that I've drifted so much, from my team-mates and my coaches. Maybe it's because I didn't really went back frequently for trainings after I stepped down, yes.

I feel so realistic when I'm talking with coach, totally different with what I talk about everyday lol. It's like when I'm in the team, I have this mindset of arragements and targets I have to achieve, how to do things in a better way blahblahblah. But now it seems like I've lost it. I used to do things even if I know somehow I can't do it, but now I limit myself. It feels so sad, how much I've lost and forgot about myself and the principles.

The tough road, all the ups and downs seem so beautiful to me now,
that I want to go back again

..

There was a time I thought they will be different, but I guess things change along with time. Things may seem to shine at first, but as time goes by, it's just not there anymore. And I guess thats the way of me with them, I no longer feel the very close feeling anymore. I can't seem to fit into their worlds anymore. Alot of things they're familar with, they like, I'm opposite. I don't like the feeling of knowing that people's keep something from me, be it concerning the other party or me, it feels hurt. And it hurts more, when they confide in another person, but chose to keep it from you. Maybe they have their reasons, maybe it's personal, maybe I'm not someone who can understand it all, maybe there's a lack of trust, maybe.

Is it always a good thing to carry a positive and bright attitude everything we come across? When something bad happens, think of the good side, although you could predict the ending, does this really helps? Or, when you come acrosss something, you think positively, at the same time being realistic, then oneday, things not only turn out what you least expected, but so much worse. Will you be able take it? Will you be able to overcome it, without any shadows? Will you lose the confidence you used to have? Will you trust your own intuitons and thoughts agn as much as you do?

I never thought of the consequences, how far things could go, how bad things could turn out. I thought it's okay cause I so strongly believe I will stand firmly. But just right, I sort out my thoughts and maybe, everything can be stop, cause overcoming all of those, are not easy.

I didn't know it was like this lol.